Nigeria invades Uganda

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE CHIEF OF ARMY STAFF

This is to inform the general public that the Federal Republic of Nigeria and the country formally known as Uganda are now in a state of war.

Hostilities began when disrespectful Ugandans started throwing stones at our president’s car during the inauguration of President Yoweri Museveni, and the war shall not end until the landed area referred to as Uganda becomes the 37th state of Nigeria.

We did not seek this war but as our elders say, he who tries a Naija man must be cured of the madness that led him to such a foolish act.

For avoidance of doubt, this is a legitimate war to wage.

The Ugandans threw the first stone, literally, and at none less than our newly elected President, Doctor Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.

Is it a crime to attend the inauguration of a fellow president? 

An assault on the President is an assault on the Nation.

We may not have all voted for GEJ, and a lot of stuffed ballot boxes may have won him the election, but he is our President nonetheless, and the chief awarder of contracts in our country.

As the giants of Africa we cannot be seen to be bullying our less privileged neighbours. For this reason, and in recognition of the principle of proportionality, the only troops to be drafted into the war effort are MOPOLS from the Alagbon Police station, Lagos.

Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Signed,

Chief of Army Staff,
Nigerian Army.