Aunty Ngozi solves your problems

My Name is Ngozi, and my job is to reply to your agony letters. You have to be really crazy to take my advice, but hey, who am I to judge?
If you want my help, send me an email today:
auntyngozi@wazobiareport.com, but first make sure you understand what I'm about.
I hope you enjoy my column. Have a lovely day.
Love always,
Aunty Ngozi

Ho do I turn down a man whose wife and daughters I have dated?
 

Dear Ngo, 


I am in a very nasty fix which I don't know how to get out of. 


I work in one of the better established banks and in 2009 I met and started dating this girl that had been posted to our branch as a corper. We were an item for over 9 months, but when she left to complete a masters program abroad the relationship sort of fizzled out. 


Given that she had introduced me to a couple of her family members including her cousin, I accidentally bumped into this cousin in a party in VI, and to cut a long story short, I dated this girl for over a year. After a while she and I parted amicably as we both had incompatible visions. However during the time I dated her, she had introduced me to my first girl friend's elder sister. 


When my first girl friend's elder sister found out that I was no longer with her cousin, she got in touch with me and did not hide her intention on dating me. After a while she introduced me to the family as we both felt that the relationship was going somewhere. However we eventually drifted apart when it became obvious to her that I was not quite ready to settle down. 


My current dilemma is that her mum being a bit of a looker and a society lady, felt attracted to me and we eventually hooked up. During one of our secret liaisons in their house, we were caught pants down by her husband who happens to be well connected. He seemed to quite calm the way he dealt with the whole situation by politely asking me to leave his house and not to come back. 


I do not know how this man got hold of my number with which he called me. He mandated a meeting which I was in no position to refuse. When we met, he told me that given that I had shagged his two daughters, his niece and now his wife, that he feels left out. He is threatening to ensure that I lose my job and that he would make my life so miserable inLagosif he does not get his share. Ngo, I am not gay and I feel quite repulsed about the whole idea. He has given up to next week Wednesday to perform, otherwise..... 


Help. 


Valentino. 


P.s. Ngo, are you single and unmarried. You have my email address. Dalu, oke nwanyi.


My reply

Dear Valentino,


Simple answer: You don’t.


Where do I start? You are the first person I have come across, that even GEJ would not trade places with, and that says a lot. 


The way I see it, it is your destiny to remain within this family. There is such a thing as preeminent purpose in life, and yours seems to be the sexual satisfaction of every member of this family. 


Well, my dear Valentino, upfront I would tell you to buy Vaseline. That, or go to MFM and find a prayer warrior pastor who specializes in praying destiny-changing prayers. Mind you, it is not always a risk-free venture to spiritually change ones destiny as you do not know where your current destiny would take you, or for that matter what your new destiny would do to you. 


That said, I am the sort of chick that if you give me lemons, I’ll make lemonade. Get? You can accept your destiny, and the eventual rupturing of your back that comes with it, and still come out the winner. How? Well, your story reads like a movie script, and I am not talking of any ye-ye Tonto Dike Nollywood home video. No. 


In your particular narrative exists the makings of a blockbuster movie. My advice, say to yourself what men say to women when they, the men, want to subject them, the women, to the torture that is anal sex, (something like, ‘How do you know you wont like it if you haven’t tried it?), and do the father. Then, sell your story to one of the Amatas. Bro, I will pay to watch your story in Silverbird! 


Goodluck with all that! 


Aunty Ngozi 


P.s: I am single and unmarried, and you sent me your email through my email address. But I draw the line at men who do familysomes.  

 




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