Dear Soft ‘n’Plum from Abuja,

Congratulations! Your letter has forced me out of retirement!

Babes! You get heart o! You want to be Jona’s junior first lady? When the first lady is currently ill? You actually have the guts to say this at this time? You want them to accuse you of being the winch doing our Dame? I swear, you brave pass me.

But as you have asked me to help you, I don’t have a choice, I shall help you.

You want to know how to seduce the president and become his mistress before the day is over? That one is easy. Find a way to get to Abuja (Oh! You are already there!). Blag your way into Aso rock. Convince whoever (SSS, Body guard, special assistant, assistant to special assistant) that can stand between you and an audience with the president, to let you see him. When you are alone with him, tell him you are pregnant for him and you are not getting rid of it. Trust me on this. I really can’t explain on here why it would work, but just trust me.

Now, it is possible that you fail in seeing the president. Not to worry, there is another strategy. Do you know any mega Church GO, or any spiritualist who has the president’s ears and who will happily tell the President that he has seen a vision of him winning 2015 election if he marries you?

Again, you might be a confirmed badt girl who doesn’t even go to church, talk less of knowing any big pastors open to fast business. Not to worry! There is one last option. Do you know how to get to Mountain of Fire Ministries?

Good luck with all that.

Aunty Ngozi