Dear Linda,

E go hard o. The man never forgets to use condom? Na wah o. Does he think you have something? He never ever forgets to use condom. That is serious o.

And what does he do with the used rubber after he’s done? Does he throw it away? take it with him? flush it down the toilet? or take it to the backyard, wrap it in newspaper, sprinkle Kerosene on it, set fire to it and wait till it burns to ashes?

Normally, to get belleh for man wey no want the belleh, na small thing. But a man who is actively hoarding and protecting his sperm is as determined not to let you get pregnant as you are to do so.

But if you must try (and you will fall my hand if you’re the type to give up so easily after setting herself a challenge) then get a hold of his discarded condoms and find an unscrupulous doctor.

You’ll probably need to take a lot of fertility medication and need to gather a lot of his used condoms without him suspecting anything. But once you get pregnant, it’ll all be worth it.

When you break the good news, he’ll suddenly realise that you are the one meant for him all the time; the God ordained mother of his children, the rib of his ribs, and the helper by his side.

Oh, one last thing. When you tell him the good news and he’s baffled because he can’t remember not using a condom, show him where it says on the packet that ‘when used correctly, a condom is about 98 per cent effective.’

Good luck with all that, and remember to invite me to the naming ceremony,

Aunty Ngozi.