Dear Freeball,

As a woman I empathise with your girlfriend. Size matters, but there’s a point at which diminishing returns sets in. And I sympathise with you over your predicament, and upfront I promise to do everything in my power to help you.

I see no other solution to your problem than for you to cut down to her size. It is the romantic thing to do, don’t you think?

But we must consider the very real possibility that you do not end up married to this girl. What will happen then to your other squeezes who are ashewo enough to be able to endure your superior manhood?

Not to worry, I have a solution.

In the event that you do not marry this girl and as a result you have to resort to one of your former girlfriends, and remember you’ll now have a considerably smaller tool to work with, may I suggest that you simply tell the girl this same story you’ve told me.

Doing so, your nose should grow long enough to a length that’ll satisfy her as much as before.

Aunty Ngozi