Dear Trapped girl,
Wow! I’ve heard of this type of problem before but I never imagined I’d meet someone who actually had it - talk less of being asked to help someone with it.
Your problem is called ‘Living in a Nollywood Movie’ and it mostly affects people who watch too much Africa Magic.
You see, you are somehow caught up in the vortex of someone else’s imagination and your life is now falling through a predetermined plotline and you have no control over the end of the story. Sorry.
The solution is in the hands of the scriptwriter who has plagued your life with a series of predictable clichés.
You must somehow manage to breakout of the storyline, reach out beyond the bounds of the crucible into which you’ve been placed and force the hands of the writer to script a better ending for you. It is hard, but possible. And you're in luck for I am a movie buff.
Most movies pass through post production without having every error eliminated. Sometimes, especially in badly edited movies, you’ll see a glaring movie mistake like an actor wearing a different shirt in the same scene, or a clock showing a different time from that which the actors or the plot has declared.
Think of these little kinks in the story as disruptions in the continuum of movie time; they temporarily break the spell of the story, jarring the audience away from the plot and into real life - but only for a brief moment. Think of them as gateways into the real world.
You must find a movie mistake right now. Look around your room; is the bed tidy whereas it wasn’t a moment ago when you left to meet your new in-laws?
Is it dark outside even though the introduction is meant to be happening in daytime?
Are you ugly even though the story says you are beautiful?
Search, search, and search! You must find the mistake; you must find the gateway. It’s your only hope. And when you do, simply call out to the author and tell him, or her, what you wish to happen next – it’s that simple.
As you are Nigerian and this is a Nollywood movie you are trapped in you are in luck because Nollywood productions are often full of errors. Watch out for a repeated scene. It might feel like déjà vu (because you are in the story after all) but trust me; it’s a story mistake – the result of bad editing.
Just in case you're in a Tunde Kilani movie (though I doubt it because he’ll never write such a piss poor story) and there are no mistakes, I’ve created one for you:
You see, writing this letter to me is part of the story you’re trapped in. So is reading my reply.
If you go back over what I’ve written, you’ll notice that I’ve referred to your boyfriend and his relatives as ‘your new in-laws.’ But you are not yet married to their child. See? That’s your gateway. That’s your chance. Now speak out and change your story!
Good luck with all that.
Aunty Ngozi.
Ps: Just in case you’re not trapped in a Nollywood movie and this is actually happening to you I’ll advice you to stroll back out there, blame your previous actions on malaria, and play the part of a lovely pure bride-to-be.
Think about it; you’ve already got his 70 grand and if he says anything you can simply deny everything. But whatever you do, DO NOT return the money – you’re not likely to be getting any more from him.