Dear Ayofe,

Where do I start? You think she’s using you as her plan B. I don’t think so. I think with you she’s exhausted the alphabets and now categorising you using alphanumeric constructs: plan Z-9, plan Z-10… you get the gist.

For me, the early warning signal is the fact that you’ve only ever had sex with her once in five years. Doesn’t this tell you something? Was it so unfulfilling for her that she just had to go and satisfy herself with someone else? Have you been found wanting in that department?

If you ask me (and you have) I will dump this girl faster than a myspace account; not because she keeps leaving you, but because she keeps coming back.

You see, that she leaves you for other men is actually a good thing; it means she’s not the type to cheat on her man. She would rather break up with you than sleep around behind your back. On a good day, this is a keeper.

But she keeps coming back to you and she even begs you to take her back. See, ehn? That’s what bothers me, even scares me.

What I can read into her behaviour is a need to revisit the scene of the crime. I.e.: a crime has been committed – we will get to that later.

It seems to me that she has a need to be with you, intermittently. Why? We know it’s not because you satisfy her in bed. Do you give her money? Is there anything else she might be gaining from you?

You see, criminologists will readily tell you that criminals always return to the scene of their crime. This is even more true of the criminally insane. So, she might be returning to you and begging you to take her back time after time because she gets a kick from being close to her crime – you.

The second theory I’ve formed is this: This is a clear case of black magic sturves.

If you watch Nollywood films like I do, you'll learn a lot of things about life. This particular story reminds me of a girl that was given a strong charm to use on a man to suck his power. That also explains why she slept with you only once. In the film, the girl was told that the magic spell would be broken once she sleeps with the man.

So, knowing that she would never be able to sleep with you again (so long as she wants the spell to continue working so that she can continue using your life-force for her own benefit) she decided to let you taste it once.

And who knows even if she used a secondary juju that one time to ensure that you keep taking her back?

Look, my brother, I take God beg you, this girl sounds like trouble for you no matter how I try to figure out her strange behaviour (begging you to take her back).

If it is not for diabolical reasons, why else would any girl be begging a man to take her back? A man who has only slept with her once, who evidently didn’t satisfy her that one time, and who she has refused to let sleep with her again?

If you don’t believe me, tell her you have turned to serious bornagain and watch her flee from you. (I cover myself with the Blood of Jesus).

Good luck with all that

Aunty Ngozi